TOTALLY UNNECESSARY…FOUR MONTHS TO CHRISTMASS

[Anonymous]

ONLY FOUR MONTHS TO CHRISTMASS!

Just to start off on the right track I would like to state that due to the current economic crisis, I can no longer afford to pay attention!

Yesterday was another one of those summer dream Wednesday B hikes to celebrate the fact we are only four months away from Christmas. For those none Christian, none religious and none anything at all it is just a date to keep in mind it will not be long before we are all freezing are nah nay’s off.

On that positive note lets switch gears to how much fun it is to do Wednesday B hikes. I have been giving this considerable thought of late and I think B hikers must be really Blondes. Don’t blonds have more fun? I mean really think about this deep sensitive issue. In fact maybe the NSH Executive should appoint a subcommittee to analyze this issue and report back to the membership at large for the next AGM. I have never done an A hike so I need to be careful I do not offend anyone and might consider that they have more fun since the rumour is they stop at every cappuccino bar along their hikes. Good on them if this is true. Since I do not drink those sort of warm fuzzy drinks I might have a slight biased that they really cannot be having as much fun as B hikers. On the other hand, C hikers are in a mad rush to nowhere but like to stick with their own so they can be social. Then there is D hikers who anti social and like to hide in the closet just in case someone might notice what they are really doing while always crying why more C hikers will not join them. Well Dah, it is really simple to figure this one out. One group is social and crazy fast while the other is just crazy.

Paraphrasing an old Rock band named Rush….remember them from the 60’s and the 70’s, and then the 80’s, 90’s and they are probably still trying to squeeze their worn out bodies into leather pants that are six times to small while they prance around the stage trying to recapture what they never had…anyways this song quote is fitting for me:

“you don’t get something for nothing, you can’t have freedom for free.
What you own is your own kingdom.
What you do is your own glory.
What you love is your own power.
What you live is your own story”

…fitting eh!

Now back To Sunny B hikes. What other group can have a support team of two weather men? Really, how could we go wrong. Do you think these guys would grace our presence if the weather was going to be terrible? Not a chance. They went into work Wednesday morning and stuck their wet fingers up in the air, looked at the sun shining and made a weather prediction to be published in every news paper, repeated on every radio and TV station across the country. Today we have a wet finger and sunshine. Very profound.

So here we have great weather with four months to go before Christmas, two Weathermen and 13 other keen B hikers ready to be lead into the wild wonders of the North Shore Mountains by their heroic leader V. Do you know V. Interesting guy from Asia. Not sure if he is from China, India or Pakistan or maybe even Iran but it does not matter because he seems to be a likeable guy who has been living off the Canadian tax payers forever it seems. Says he has been retired for four years but he does so many interesting things I question if he ever worked.

Then there was the showing of the Wizard without the Assistant Wizard. My understanding was the Assistant Wizard was under some kind of spell and had sent the Wizard on his own to check up to see if V really had what it takes to keep the B hikers in line. See, the Wizard is disappearing for awhile and wanted to make sure his presence will be missed and everyone will be begging for his return from his bike trip riding in Wop Land. Being a fellow Wop I can say that word. What I do not understand is why the Wizard and the Assistant Wizard would spend all that money to go ride a stationary bike that wops. Very strange don’t you think?

Now I do not want to single any particular person out in case they find my comments offensive but have you seen that crazy hair style Trish the fish has? Man, I bet you she could park pencils, pens, combs and maybe even hiking poles in those locks and they could be lost forever. Rumour has it her son lives in the Caribbean so maybe that is where she got the hair from. Be fun seeing her with a bike helmet on! Oh well, good luck girl on writing the infamous book. Maybe you should write about curly hair?

Something happened on this hike to Totally Unnecessary that had to look a little strange….if it was not already a little weird seeing 15 so called grownups stomping through the woods completely directionless and oblivious where they were. I looked up and notice two of the leading hikers were recent heart patients! Does not say much about how quickly we were not going. Between sharing pills and quick hits of Nitro and gasping for air Stevie Wonderless and his side kick (me) were breaking trail while our CD was sitting back enjoying someone else doing all the work. Stevie Wonderless is ‘only’ Wonderless because all he has to show for heart failure is self petty and lots of Nitro to suck on for the rest of his life. While I, as in Me the writer of this pathetic blog, had surgery which make me superior in the halls of Cardiology. Keep that in find while sending out Greeting cards to your favourite hiker…..just email me and I will forward my address.

So you must ask where is this ramble going? Easy. With wonderful sunshine, company, views, laughter, bee stings, senior gas valve releases this group of B hikers are Blonde. They have more fun. It is that simple and the A, C and D hikers will just have to eat their hearts out.

Something I did forget to mention was Elliot Ness found ‘The Stash’. If you recall about 10 or 15 years ago our former Premier was caught up in some scandal with a Bar Owner who wanted a casino licence. Somehow the Premier got a new deck built on the back of his home and a renovation of his cottage but then the lumber went missing. While, miss pre Madonna herself, Elliot Ness, found the missing lumber stashed along side of the trail leading up to Totally Unnecessary. How did we know it was ‘The Stash”? What else could it have been when you have very expensive looking blocks of wood just left to waist in the long grass beside a refurbished Government contract work project?

So please remember B hikers have more fun and in the future you cannot please everyone, so just concentrate on me.

NSH Boss Lady better start joining in some hikes soon…all those cart wheels with those other clubs do not count towards this year NSH Header of the Year award. That ‘kid’ from New York is quickly catching up and will likely surpass you this coming weekend. Watch out!

Ta-ta.

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