JAMMIN’ ON THE RIDGE

[Anonymous]

JAMMIN’ ON THE RIDGE

Food for today’s thought: I wasn’t my mother’s favourite….and I was an only child!

This report is several days late because I had so much fun on V’s NSH Trip that it spilt over to Sunday rock climbing in Squamish and doin’ The Grind today. Just trying to finish Marianna’s summer off with a bang so she has plenty of stories to bring back to the Big Apple. It has been a great summer.

I have been on several of V’s hikes over the last year and two of them in the past week. He draws a fun crowd and the weather is always good. Even though this past Saturday neither of the club’s weather persons showed up to hike which left us all with an ominous feeling before we even left Park Royal. By the way, I have named V, V, because he reminds me of a movie called V for Vendetta which has a huge underground cult following. You see, V was a shadowy freedom fighter using terrorist tactics to fight against a corrupt political regime that has taken over England. I mean it is a great movie for those that have not seen it, I highly recommend it because it is not too far from the truth on what is happening in parts of the world today. So V knows how to handle situations and he seems to pull it off without ticking others off and if anything getting them on his side. He must have been a teacher or something in his before life.

Fifteen young and not so young (some not so good looking either) NSH left Park Royal just after seven am and blasted up to the Gord Ruth Trail Head which leads you up to Garibaldi Lake. I named this trail The Gord Ruth Trail because this guy Gord Ruth does it about eight gazillion times a year at about 140 clicks and hour. If Gord is ever in a wheel chair I still think he could out run just about any NSH willing to take the challenge. I remember last October we were hiking Mt Price and a couple of young studs came to have some fun with these older guys. I think they took one look at Gord’s greying hair, laughed and took off up the trail. It was too funny what happened over the next sixty minutes, then the seven or eight hours it took to climb The Price is Right. The CD, Gord, sat back and let Cam the Ram Man and his brother take off up the trail with a full head of steam. Gord took a look at me and without saying a word I knew what was going to be unleashed. All I remember from that point on was a burnt vapour trail going all the way to the summit. These young guys were had for breakfast, lunch and dinner before they were even half way up the trail. It was too funny.

The fifteen hikers were an interesting group. Besides our CD, V, there was characters like You You, Czech Baby, Moody Donna, Mary Mary Quite Contrary and a band of other crazy and wonderful individuals. There was others like Carole Buba and Melon Head alias secret Iranian Agent Alex The Hatchet Time and even fun loving Trish The Dish with hair that reminds me of my University days. Mark In The Dark I did not get a chance to interview and on the other hand I got to talk lots with Pete The Sneak. I am missing some and not deliberately doing so but for time reasons I just had too much fun to mention them all.

Now that I mention time restraint, I was sitting on the Male Thrown today thinking about all the things I wanted to blog about and a light bulb went off. Do you know much about toilet paper? Neither do I but it is one of those little things in life I appreciate. Well I have this bone to pick with companies that sell toilet paper. You go into the store and find the row that has tons of rolls of toilet paper and you start staring hoping nobody is staring at you so you act cool like you know all things about butt wipe. All these white plastic bags are hanging on the wall with pictures of things like little fluffy cats or cute dogs with sad eyes staring right back at you. Like, what does this mean? Am I on the wrong aisle? Is this really the aisle after the pet food aisle so pets have their own butt wipes? Very confusing I think. What troubled me more was the writing once I got past all these little animals staring at me. Written numbers like eight rolls times two means sixteen rolls of toilet paper. I think wow that’s lots of toilet rolls. I pick up a bag and count the rolls to see if they are accurate and sure enough I have been duped. Only eight rolls. Then I put my by focal on and read the fine print. The manufacture is really telling you you’re only buying eight rolls of two ply and not sixteen separate rolls. Now that is a fact.

Once again you’re probably asking yourself why has the writer of this blog got off the track from hiking Panorama Ridge to toilet paper. If you are new or have not kept up to my informative, educational and just plain intellectually stimulating blogs, then I will give you the quick version answer. This is the educational part of my report. If you hike with NSH long enough then you will understand that most are full of crap and some much needed toilet paper is a life saver for them!

After walking steadily uphill for about nine clicks you get to the grassy meadow that was covered in late summer, flowers with some of the very best views of Black Tusk I have ever seen. Not sure if it was the funny wild grass we were smoking or if it was just a combination of white and dark clouds with sun peaking through that gave it such an amazing sight. It was like somebody had their middle finger stuck in your face. I have seen The Tusk many times over my 35 years on the Wet Coast but never looking so inviting and strange as well as mysterious. It was very cool from every angle. If you looked closely you could see a line up of humans waiting for their turn to get stuck on the summit.

Talking about line ups. The parking lot was full down below, the camp sites were full and the train of people going up the Gord Ruth Trail all day was endless. I do not know where they were all going to camp but I bet there was some serious jammin’ on the ridge Saturday night….and why not? Everyone was in a good mood, the weather was reasonable and the views were killing me.

While slogging along the trail I had the chance to meet, while informally talk, with several of the NSH Executive. I was careful and spoke with trepidation with them just in case they were a couple of hard liners and tried to revoke my membership for not enough volunteering. Moody Donna left me stunned. I HAVE MET MY MATCH OR EVEN BEEN OUT DONE. She can talk faster and longer and forever more than NSH Boss Lady or even myself. She might be slightly intellectually bankrupt and maybe even suffer from too many years of debauchery but man could she rattle on. Pure wonder.

Raising four kids, all girls I think, has not stopped this lady from being a member for 28 years and still concern she is not putting in enough volunteer time. You might remember her from last year’s first annual Christmas party. Yea, the party everyone showed up and had a blast. That was her that spear headed the entire event. If we do not have a party this year it will because nobody else is stepping up to the plate to help out and because Moody Dona will be attending a speed talking competition at Harvard. If you go Moody my money will be on you.

Next there was Mary Mary Quite Contrary who has been a member for about thirty years. Man, these NSH gals must have first joined when they were like born. She helped fill me in with who is who and who is not and who thinks they are but really just need a lot of toilet paper….see I told you there was a lot of significance about butt wipe. She was kind of concern that I might have too big of an ego. So I quickly and loudly told her that “I don’t have a big ego. I’m way too cool for that”. That shut her down for about ten seconds.

I am only going to mention one more hiker by name because for legal reasons if I don’t I could get sued. You see she is originally from Singapore and got deported because she was suing so many people while still in grade school. Of course immigration Canada welcomed her with open arms until they found out she was from a small family and most were straight and did not have criminal back grounds. As a true entrepreneur she has grabbed the criminal aspect by its roots and took things to another level. Someone told me she is running a real estate Ponzi scheme out of that want a be city stuck between Vancouver and New West. For these reasons I will refrain from using her name or any further discussion I may or may not have had to protect the criminals of society.

Garibaldi Lake could not have looked more magnificent. I wish I could use more explicit words to describe the beauty we all got to share this past Saturday. Someday I will learn English and hopefully a little spelling because I would like to describe the view but I am too limited…..actually I am pretty limited in many ways but that is a discussion in private. Amazing. While hanging around the Ridge I called the Iranian Mellon Head with one of his walkie talkies. See, not all fifteen went to Panarama Ridge. Three imposters dressed in Ridge cloths and pretended to want to hike the Ridge until they got to the parking lot. Once they had been driven in Ridge Hikers cars they announced they will help V out by signing off on the sign up sheet and go to Price to ease his responsibility and work load. Sneaky eh!

It did not matter anyways because we all met back in the parking lot at the same time and Mellon Head brought out two or three water melons for everyone to suck on. YOU YOU or ME ME or WE WE or whatever her name quietly slink around everyone trying to look inconspicuous with her bright coloured shorts. It did not work. She realised I knew what their game plan had been from the beginning. Bum a ride…..there we go with the need for more Toilet paper… and then announce the defection when everyone is not looking. Nice try honey!

Everyone made it back. Everyone had smiles. Everyone loved the water melon…..even Czech Baby and Pete the Sneak.

Thanks V for another great hike. Thanks everyone for making my day another great time in the wilderness. Please G Spot do not sue me!

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